|My one week of fame and fortune
||[Mar. 27th, 2006|10:46 am]
Your Biggest Fan
So seven days, 2000 miles, four cities, three readings. Money spent: $450. Money made: $100. Books sold: 30 or so, maybe a few more. I don't know, I don't keep the records.|
Reading #1 at Powell's in Portland on Sunday was covered pretty extensively in the comments section here. Also, it was recorded. That recording may surface some day. Anyway, it went well, I got to meet the other Cloverfield authors, and it turns out that we’re all pretty awesome people.
On Wednesday, we hit the road at noon and arrived in Kingsburg at midnight. Then, we went to sleep. We woke up and went to the Dala Horse to have some Swedish pancakes. Then we killed some time until lunch, when we ate some Three Crowns. Last time I ate at Three Crowns, I had the Triple Crown Special, which was a burger made with three half-pound beef patties. This time, I did not try to eat a pound and a half of meat. Then we hit the road, and got to Burbank around 4:30. We did some shopping at IKEA in order to celebrate Juju's heritage, then drove to Matthew & Laurence's house, where we had some wine and met their son, Nathaniel, who sold us a bunch of plastic fruit. His prices were mind-blowingly reasonable.
Reading #2 was documented somewhat here. Here’s the shtick: I told a story about meeting with an agent who wanted to option The Cubist Infant and turn it into The Cubist Infant Colon The Movie. That fell through, but the agent told me he'd met with Samuel L Jackson, who has a movie coming out in August, and was interested in The Cubist Infant Colon The Song. However, in order to get in on the soundtrack to the summer's biggest blockbuster, the story needed "more snakes and more planes." I invited Henry Baum, the author of Gentleman Reptile (which is pretty amusing), to play guitar, and we invented a song on the spot. Here are some lyrics:
I’ve got some good news
And some bad news
And some really kind of bizarre news
About your boy’s scrotum
Your son will live, that’s the good news
He can’t have kids, that’s the bad news
But the really bizarre news is as follows:
His nutsack was full of snakes
Thousands and thousands of tiny snakes
Snakes in a nutsack, on a plane
Snakes in a nutsack, on a plane
Your son’s scrotum was packed with snakes!
The next morning we had some breakfast at Canter's Deli, and drove back up to Kingsburg. We rested. On Saturday, we drove to SF, hung out with the cousins, and while Juju went shopping at H&M in order to further celebrate her heritage, I stayed behind to come up with the shtick for Reading #3, which took place at Pegasus Books in Berkeley.
For this reading, I used a prop:
and I tried to more directly insult the audience's intelligence. I gave a very basic lecture on art history, in which I explained what paint was, and how paint was placed on a flat surface for people to look at. I thought this line would get a bigger laugh than it did: "Even though you people are dumb, I still want you to buy my book." Oh, well. They laughed at everything else, especially when I ripped off a Brian Posehn neologism: "va-jay." As in "The man takes his pee-pee and places it into the woman's va-jay, then wiggles it around until his love juice comes squirting out."
Anyway. The other readers were all great people, the crowds were bigger than I thought they'd be, I signed a bunch of books, and I felt like a goddamn rock star. I have no idea how people deal with making a living by touring. It's tiring as fuck. It's good to be back home with the cats and the wife. The only thing that would make it better is if the three of them would every once in a while applaud for me and tell me "You're pretty funny. You've got really good timing."